How Oliver Wood Became An Attorney
by TheRealRitaSkeeter
Summary: 3rd story in the same mess/ creation of genius as How Oliver Wood saved the world. Oliver has been called in as the Hero that he is to represent five Weasley's against their parent's for the crime of naming children after house elves. Enjoy-Rita


How Oliver Wood became an attorney of law 

**Core I've been busy on these lately (It very probably means I'm verifiably insane but never mind) I own none of the Harry Potter universe it is all the property of JK Rowling * cue manic worship* particularly the reference to Elvendork being unisex. Now with Spellcheck!**

Oliver Wood, aged 45 was slightly tipsy. He was sat at the large oak bar of "Circe's Island" formerly "The Hogs Head". The Pub had been converted into a trendy bar 10 years earlier following Abeforth's retirement to a nudist colony in Switzland. The place had been purchased by Lavender Brown and Paravati Patil who had turned it into a cocktail bar with male strippers night every Thursday and polyjuice parties every month. It was still not the destination of the majority of Hogwarts students but fifteen year old Regulus Black had received detention, a howler from his mother and a new broom from his father for succeeding in sneaking in polyjuiced as his second cousin Cassiopeia Lupin-Black, to watch extremely attractive Spanish Squibs gyrate to The Weird Sisters and Green Day.

Oliver was sat in the exact same spot that he had occupied 19 years before hand, when he had been fortunate enough to meet his twelve beautiful wives. 19 years on they, were just a beautiful has they had been back then, not a stretch mark insight considering that they had had been 2-5 children each. Oliver was father to 30 amazing children between the ages of 17 and 2. He had named them primarily after Quiddich players (British and Irish players of course, Dragomir Wood might have been too cruel) with his eldest being called Dai, Ludo, Gwenog, Ginny, Finbar, Joey, Kevin, Karl, Gwendolyn, Darren, Hamish and Catriona. Having run out of Quiddich players with remotely acceptable names he had gone onto names that his wives liked and ended up with twelve British and Irish names and eighteen French names although he had vetoed naming one of his children after Charles De Gaulle. He sat here every year in the vain hope that another pack of Veela would turn up, he was sure that even at his age 24 women wasn't too much. But no matter what no pack of veela had come, something always happened though, political coup, Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy polyjuicing as each other for their 40th wedding anniversary which had been a most disturbing sight. This year though, no one seemed to be turning up, he was on his fourth Vodka 7 and everything was beginning to go pleasantly fuzzy. It was nearly closing time and he was beginning to give up hope of anything interesting happening when 19 year old Albus Weasley turned up followed by 17 year olds Fabian and Gideon. "Evening Uncle Ollie"

"Evenin' boys, How are you?"

"Better, we've convinced the others."

"To do what?" Oliver gazed blearily at Albus's freckled face and tried to recall any previous conversation he might have had.

"To take Mum and Dad to court. I swear we talked about this at Teddy and Victore's wedding."

"I don't remember anything of the sort. If you will recall I spent that evening drinking vast quantities of red wine. I don't even remember taking bodyshots off Colette and Aurelie."

"That explains it then" said Albus with a grin, "Look, Uncle Ollie, you know about our names? How Mum and Dad somehow insisted on giving us some of the stupidest names in existence"

"At least your middle name isn't Dobby" Gideon grumbled,

Albus ignored his brother and continued, "Well we've succeed at long last at convincing Gellert and Charity to come to court with us."

"Court?" Oliver said, not quite understanding where the conversation was going.

"Uncle Ollie, we're taking Mum and Dad to court for giving us stupid names, and we were wondering..." Fabian said, "Will you be our attorney?"

"You want me to represent you in court?"

"Yeah", Fabian said enthusiastically, "We reckon that with the hero of the wizarding world, 5 time world cup winner and Scotland and Puddlemere United Keeper as our representative will be sure to win us the case"

"Meh" Oliver grunted, "I'll think about it."

"Well," said Albus, "let us buy you a drink, Lavender! 4 White Russians if you please"

A White Russian later and Oliver had somehow been convinced to represent 5 Weasley's in court against their parents.

Another couple of drinks later and Oliver was flat out on the bar and had to be apparated home buy Albus who handed him over to an exasperated Mathilde and Oceane.

The next morning Oliver woke up with a splitting headache and twelve angry women and a swarm of bemused children handing him a scroll of parchment which read:

_Mr Oliver Wood esquire_

_Attorney of Law_

_Representing the prosecution in the case of your clients: Albus, Fabian, Gideon, Gellert and Charity Weasley against the defence their parents Ron Weasley and Hermione Weasley nee Granger._

_You are hereby summoned to present your case to the Wizangamot on the 24th July at precisely 11am in Courtroom 3. Please do not be late._

_Yours Faithfully,_

_Barnabus Barnaby _

_Sectary to the Wizangamot._

Oliver's headache ridden brain just about processed this information before he puked violently all over the bed sheets. Having been forced under a cold shower and had several cups of black coffee poured down his throat, he had regained sobriety enough to say "I agreed to represent them?"

"Oui, you stupeed man" scolded Aurelie, "I mean I fully admeet zat their parents were slightly, ow you say, misguided in their choice of middle names, but why the silly little boys have decided to drag you into this?"

"Something about being famous and influential, I think" Oliver mumbled.

"Well" Aurelie, said, tossing her beautiful head, "You will have to do it and you will need to prepare"

Oliver groaned, Quiddich was one thing, learning legal rit was quite another.

"Oliver" Oceane said stalking towards him carrying a cup of tea and a bowl of porridge, "I'm sure that if you win this case we can provide a...suitable reward."

Oliver cursed himself for being so easily manipulated by beautiful women offering sex. He had worked for three weeks on preparing his case, spending every moment he wasn't saving goals learning how to set out his argument. Now he was nervously pacing around outside of Courtroom three glaring at Albus every time he tried to ask "Whether Oliver was ok"

The five Weasley's were wearing their best clothes; Fourteen year old Charity and Fifteen year old Gellert were particularly resplendent as their best clothes didn't have traces of vomit from Fred Weasley II's stag night decorating theirs.

As Oliver was about to inform Albus that he'd rather play for Holyhead Harpies than represent them, the door opened and the six of them were shown in and taken to sit on at one end of the oval shaped floor of the courtroom.

Ron and Hermione Granger were sat at the other end, both looking embarrassed with Arthur Weasley stood to one side of them evidently bemused with the situation he was in as he was mopping his receding hairline with a handkerchief.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" Percy Weasley's slightly pompous voice rang out in the courtroom, "We are here today to decide the case of Weasley minor verses Weasley Major. The defendants are Ronald Billius Weasley and Hermione Jean Weasley with Arthur Septimus Weasley acting for the defence. Prosecuting are Albus Alastor Weasley, Fabian James Weasley, Gideon..." Percy paused blinking owlishly down at the piece of paper in front of him, "Gideon _Dobby _Weasley, Gellert Rufus Weasley and Charity Lily Weasley. For the prosecution Oliver Mawr Wood. Acting as Judge Percy Ignatius Weasley and Acting as Court sectary Barnabus Barry Barnaby." Percy shuffled the pile of papers in front of him and continued in clipped tones, "Mr and Mrs Weasley, your children have taken you to court because they claim that the names you chose for them at birth are all utterly ridiculous, what is your response?"

"Well," Ron said taking a large gulp, "When Harry... died" the assembled members of the Wizangamot fell deadly silent in respect for a moment and then continued gossiping about Daniel Christopher the squib singing sensation, lead singer of The Banshees who had just revealed that he was set to marry Nathalie Macdonald in the next six months, Ron continued, "We felt that we needed to remember all those who died in the war and the best way of doing that for us, was naming our kids after them."

Gideon scowled, Oliver noticing this interjected, "But Mr Weasley, none of your children are named after Harry?"

Hermione, rather than Ron replied, "We know, but we felt that no one could replace Harry, so..."

"So," Oliver interrupted, "You named your children after everyone except Harry, including Dobby, but I have noticed. No Hedwig."

"Of course not" said Hermione, "That would be ridiculous"

"Mum!" Gideon called out, "You named me after a house elf!"

"Oy!" yelled Ron, "A house elf without who nobody would be here!"

"I would!" yelled a voice from the back

Percy bristled, "Who said that? You are supposed to be silent in court"

"Me!" said Bellatrix Black-Lupin standing up, revealing herself to be in a state of considerable undress, "I would still be alive, a brainless sadistic sex-deprived zombie perhaps but I'd still have been alive."

Percy was slowly turning a shade of purple, the idea of people having sex at the back of a trial appeared to have stunned the head of magical law enforcement.

Remus Lupin's sandy grey head just emerged over the top of the people sitting on the row in front of him, "Bella, love sit back down will you"

Bellatrix shrugged her shoulders ignoring the alarming effect that it had on her naked breasts and sank back down again.

There was a slightly stunned silence slightly interrupted with the sound of the zip on Remus's trousers.

Percy sighed heavily and continued, "Mr Wood, what do your clients want?"

"My clients request to change their names to those of their own choice and the admittance of their parents that their names are stupid"

"Are you sure children?" Percy said with a raised eyebrow

"Yes Uncle Percy" The five of them chorused

There was a titter throughout the court room at the familiarity.

"Ron, Hermione are you prepared to accept this?"

The two of them locked glances for a minute, apparently silently debating the issue.

Hermione sighed "If it'll mean that all this disagreement ends then yes...but I'd like the five of them to at least choose...suitable names"

"Is that agreeable?"

Oliver looked at the five teenagers.

Albus shrugged, "It'll do."

Oliver turned back to face Percy, "My clients agree to the term of the names being suitable"

Percy swelled pompously as Arthur exhaled deeply in relief behind Ron and Hermione, "Would the five of you please come and sign this paperwork then please"

They moved forward and grabbed the parchment large smug grins on all of their faces. When they had signed, they handed the paperwork back, Albus in particular was grinning malevolently.

As Percy waved his wand over the pieces of parchment his eyebrow went up as he looked at some of the names in front of him and smiled at several of them. Ron and Hermione were beginning to look distinctly worried. When he'd done he cleared his throat sanctimoniously and said, "Well then introduce yourselves"

The youngest went first, taking a step forward she said clearly, "Lily-Rose Cedrella Weasley" Her parents smiled fondly as she stepped back into line.

Next he formerly known as Gellert stepped forward, "Harry Sirius Weasley"

There was a loud shout from the back again "Awesome!" and another whispered "Bellatrix! Shut up!" from Remus

Then the twins stepped forward "James Remus and Oliver Romulus Weasley" Percy rolled his eyes as a topless Remus leaned over the seats in front of him and gave the twins a thumbs up.

As the eldest Weasley child stepped forward with a smirk on his face, Percy glared at him. Ron and Hermione were beginning to look pale.

"Thomas Elvendork Weasley"

Hermione looked slightly sick "Why?"

Albus's smirk widened "I thought that it would be a good talking point with the ladies and besides Elvendork's unisex"

Percy slammed his head onto the bench in front of him. The Court room was silent. Then as Hermione started yelling at her eldest son, Oliver took the opportunity to sneak out of the court room and hurried along the corridor to the lift. He spent 5 minutes swearing at the lift to get it to hurry up. He ran through the atrium to the visitors exit and apparated home from the corner along from the telephone.

He arrived outside his front door instantaneously and entered his house in a hurry; he was grabbed and hugged by a motley collection of children, having embraced them all he made his way up to the master bedroom. He crept inside and found his twelve gorgeous wives sat on the bed scantily dressed in matching red and black lingerie.

Removing all of his clothes he lay down in a hollow between Jeanne and Ines.

"So Mon Amour" purred Aurelie, "How did it go?"

"Well," Oliver said adjusting to the feeling of having his shoulders rubbed by Chantal, "Not sure that Ron and Hermione are going to speak to be anytime soon."

"Sacre Bleu!" exclaimed Helene, "Why?"

"They changed their names"

"What to?" laughed Mathilde

"Four of them are fine, Lily-Rose Cedrella, Harry Sirius, James Remus and Oliver Romulus, which I'm quite chuffed about and for some reason best known to himself, Thomas Elvendork"

"What?" gasped Eleanore

"Yeah, so consequently Ron and Hermione were less than impressed, I don't imagine I'm going to be on their Christmas card list this year"

"My poor baby" moaned Aurelie, "You evidently need a reward for all your hard work"

Downstairs in the living room the large group of Wood children sat in front of the fire reading The tales of Beadle the Bard in a circle, "Pay me the treasure of your past!" read thirteen year old Catriona, she was just about to continue to the story of The Fountain of Fair Fortune when a loud thump came from upstairs. "Dai" Catriona said, turning to her older brother, "Put a silencing charm over the door will you?" As the seventeen year old moved over to the door a shout came from upstairs.

"Why did he choose Bloody Elvendork?"


End file.
